Slept at 6.30am..& Was awake at 12.30pm..Realised that my eyes were sooooo damn f******g sore..Was crying the whole night..Gosh!!!..I hate it when this happens..Well crying myself to sleep has always been a routine..
Talked to Dad at 5 plus..before he left for work..Had been a very looooonnnnnnngggggggg time since we spent time together and chat about stuff..However talking to him would leads me getting frustrated & ended up crying..Nevertheless I love sharing with him anything under the sun..HE'S
THE MOST CARING & LOVING
INDIVIDUAL THAT I HAD EVER
HAD!!!!!!..LOVE YOU DAD
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!!!!!!!!!..
Anyway..Talked about the usual stuff by the way..Family problems..I have always prayed that everything would be fine some day for my family..No more hardships,quarellings,hatred,disappointments & jealousy..DAMN!!!..I was damn 'RIGHT!!!!'..No matter how much I hate it..But I always have to face all these s**t almost every single day..No wonder I dread going home..I spent three quarter of my life outside from home..Having soooooooooo many distractions to keep my mind off my personal life..School, assignments, friends & band commitments..I knew that if I ever had to stay at home even for just one day, one hour, one minute, one second..There will always be someone who create disturbance in the house..It would be either my parents/mum & grandma quarrelling or me & Bro screaming profanities..I would rather kill myself than living in such conditions..Talking about HOME SWEET HOME huh????..Oh yeahhhhhh..BULLS**T!!!!!!!!..
I feel like a major loser right now..Realising that running away from all the problems that I have leads me to actually nowhere..Anyway..Talked to Dad about financial problems, what's wrong with everyone's attitudes & blaming ourselves for what had happened..I absolutely have to salute you Dad for having soooooooo much patience by taking all these s**t in for 51 years of your life..You are really a role model to me..You are so damn straightforward, understanding, concern, responsible & honest person..I really want to be like you Dad..But what the hell..I'm such a failure in everything that I do..I'm soooooooo a total opposite of you..GOSH!!!!!!!!..Holding back my tears right now seems just so hard..So hard..
In the midst of our conversation I started to get extremely frustrated..I always do..I really want to share my views with Dad about almost everything..But somehow he knows hoe to counter back what I always said..You really know my weaknesses huh Dad???..
Talked to Dad at 5 plus..before he left for work..Had been a very looooonnnnnnngggggggg time since we spent time together and chat about stuff..However talking to him would leads me getting frustrated & ended up crying..Nevertheless I love sharing with him anything under the sun..HE'S
THE MOST CARING & LOVING
INDIVIDUAL THAT I HAD EVER
HAD!!!!!!..LOVE YOU DAD
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!!!!!!!!!..
Anyway..Talked about the usual stuff by the way..Family problems..I have always prayed that everything would be fine some day for my family..No more hardships,quarellings,hatred,disappointments & jealousy..DAMN!!!..I was damn 'RIGHT!!!!'..No matter how much I hate it..But I always have to face all these s**t almost every single day..No wonder I dread going home..I spent three quarter of my life outside from home..Having soooooooooo many distractions to keep my mind off my personal life..School, assignments, friends & band commitments..I knew that if I ever had to stay at home even for just one day, one hour, one minute, one second..There will always be someone who create disturbance in the house..It would be either my parents/mum & grandma quarrelling or me & Bro screaming profanities..I would rather kill myself than living in such conditions..Talking about HOME SWEET HOME huh????..Oh yeahhhhhh..BULLS**T!!!!!!!!..
I feel like a major loser right now..Realising that running away from all the problems that I have leads me to actually nowhere..Anyway..Talked to Dad about financial problems, what's wrong with everyone's attitudes & blaming ourselves for what had happened..I absolutely have to salute you Dad for having soooooooo much patience by taking all these s**t in for 51 years of your life..You are really a role model to me..You are so damn straightforward, understanding, concern, responsible & honest person..I really want to be like you Dad..But what the hell..I'm such a failure in everything that I do..I'm soooooooo a total opposite of you..GOSH!!!!!!!!..Holding back my tears right now seems just so hard..So hard..
In the midst of our conversation I started to get extremely frustrated..I always do..I really want to share my views with Dad about almost everything..But somehow he knows hoe to counter back what I always said..You really know my weaknesses huh Dad???..
The climax was when he talked about finance..I'm not denying anymore..Our family is soooooooo damn poor..I've been pretending all my life that I could afford the most expensive food & buy alot of things..Spending loads of money everyday..Running away from all troubles by doing all these stupid stuff to be exact..I hate seeing Dad working day & night every single day without taking leaves unless necessary to support the family..I always hope that I can help him..By having a job that is..But he is sooooooo reluctant for me to have one..What's your
problem Dad??!!!..You jolly well know my
intention of bringing up the 'job talk' all
the time..Why can't you just allow me to
do what I want??!!..At least I can support
myself..I hate relying on you & mum for
my allowance..In which even $50 is not
enough for me for a day..What are you soooooo afraid of?..About me neglecting my studies coz money is sooooooo that important to me?..I'm not like that Dad..I will prioritise my life..I promise..Pleaseeeeeeeeeee allow me to get a jobbbbbbbb..
Man!!!!!!!!!!..Never thought that pleading & begging in this entry would help me much..The thing about being me is that I don't say what I want to people..Neither though I show through my actions..I always allow the voice in my head do all the talking..Nobody knows whether I'm screaming, throwing sarcams, crying or blabbering profanities when they're talking to me..The worst part is when Dad told me to stop schooling.."Why must you study so hard?..And why must you find a job?..Watever it is women will always be women..They'll end up in the kitchen eventually.." DAMN F******G S**T!!!!!!!!..That is sooooooooo your time Dad..Not mine..Let me decide my own life..My own destiny..I do not want to be like Mum..No offence Mum..No education, no job experience & always being used by others..I do not want to be a full-time housewife..I want to be an educated-career-housewife person..An all-rounder..Why can't you see that Dad??!!..I hate seeing you supporting my school expenses & allowance what till you're 60 yrs old???..
Realised this conversation going nowhere..Allowing Dad to monologue for quite a while..Pretending to be asleep..But not..Was crying sooooooo hard..Silently..Not replying back to his "Happy new year..Goodbye!!!.." I'm sooooooooo frustrated at that moment..Why must our conversations ended up this way???..Me crying & Dad leaving..ARGH!!!!!!!!..
I sooooooooooo damn swear..This entry is nooooooot written by me..I've never been soooooo open before about my personal life..Always putting on a facade..Making a fool out of myself by entertaining people with my lamest jokes & contagious laughter..Hiding perfectly all my worries..Trying my best not to share my family problems to others..Constantly telling them "I'm really okay..Don't woory about me..I can deal with all my problems on my own..I just don't you guys to be upset about what's goin on with my life..You have your own problems.." Man!!!!!!..That is sure a mouthful to tell somebody to get lost & never ask whether I'm okay anot..Ever again..
P.S. HAPPY NEW YEAR DAD..I WILL ALWAYS
LOVE YOU..THOUGH I HARDLY OPEN UP &
TELL YOU ANYTHING ABOUT MY LIFE
RIGHT NOW..I ACTUALLY WISH I COULD
& REALLY KNOWS WHAT'S GOING ON
AROUND ME..I WILL NEVER EVER
DISAPPOINT YOU AGAIN..JUST BARE
WITH ME DAD..MY RAGING HORMONES &
TANTRUMS ARE GROWING UP WITH ME
TOO..AND YOU GONNA GET ALOT OF THAT
FROM ME FROM THIS DAY ONWARDS..I
WILL HELP YOU AS MUCH AS I COULD..I
PROMISE..REALLY.. sorry for not responding to whatever you talking to me..I understand the pain you going through..& I'll assure you..You're not going through this alone..You have me..I loooooooooooovvvvvvvveeeeeeeeee you DAD!!!!!!!!!!..
Just hope that YOU are with me now..So need you by my side..
problem Dad??!!!..You jolly well know my
intention of bringing up the 'job talk' all
the time..Why can't you just allow me to
do what I want??!!..At least I can support
myself..I hate relying on you & mum for
my allowance..In which even $50 is not
enough for me for a day..What are you soooooo afraid of?..About me neglecting my studies coz money is sooooooo that important to me?..I'm not like that Dad..I will prioritise my life..I promise..Pleaseeeeeeeeeee allow me to get a jobbbbbbbb..
Man!!!!!!!!!!..Never thought that pleading & begging in this entry would help me much..The thing about being me is that I don't say what I want to people..Neither though I show through my actions..I always allow the voice in my head do all the talking..Nobody knows whether I'm screaming, throwing sarcams, crying or blabbering profanities when they're talking to me..The worst part is when Dad told me to stop schooling.."Why must you study so hard?..And why must you find a job?..Watever it is women will always be women..They'll end up in the kitchen eventually.." DAMN F******G S**T!!!!!!!!..That is sooooooooo your time Dad..Not mine..Let me decide my own life..My own destiny..I do not want to be like Mum..No offence Mum..No education, no job experience & always being used by others..I do not want to be a full-time housewife..I want to be an educated-career-housewife person..An all-rounder..Why can't you see that Dad??!!..I hate seeing you supporting my school expenses & allowance what till you're 60 yrs old???..
Realised this conversation going nowhere..Allowing Dad to monologue for quite a while..Pretending to be asleep..But not..Was crying sooooooo hard..Silently..Not replying back to his "Happy new year..Goodbye!!!.." I'm sooooooooo frustrated at that moment..Why must our conversations ended up this way???..Me crying & Dad leaving..ARGH!!!!!!!!..
I sooooooooooo damn swear..This entry is nooooooot written by me..I've never been soooooo open before about my personal life..Always putting on a facade..Making a fool out of myself by entertaining people with my lamest jokes & contagious laughter..Hiding perfectly all my worries..Trying my best not to share my family problems to others..Constantly telling them "I'm really okay..Don't woory about me..I can deal with all my problems on my own..I just don't you guys to be upset about what's goin on with my life..You have your own problems.." Man!!!!!!..That is sure a mouthful to tell somebody to get lost & never ask whether I'm okay anot..Ever again..
P.S. HAPPY NEW YEAR DAD..I WILL ALWAYS
LOVE YOU..THOUGH I HARDLY OPEN UP &
TELL YOU ANYTHING ABOUT MY LIFE
RIGHT NOW..I ACTUALLY WISH I COULD
& REALLY KNOWS WHAT'S GOING ON
AROUND ME..I WILL NEVER EVER
DISAPPOINT YOU AGAIN..JUST BARE
WITH ME DAD..MY RAGING HORMONES &
TANTRUMS ARE GROWING UP WITH ME
TOO..AND YOU GONNA GET ALOT OF THAT
FROM ME FROM THIS DAY ONWARDS..I
WILL HELP YOU AS MUCH AS I COULD..I
PROMISE..REALLY.. sorry for not responding to whatever you talking to me..I understand the pain you going through..& I'll assure you..You're not going through this alone..You have me..I loooooooooooovvvvvvvveeeeeeeeee you DAD!!!!!!!!!!..
Just hope that YOU are with me now..So need you by my side..
Somebody please help me not to feel extremely emo ever again