Who is the real me?..
Dont even bother asking..
I dont even know myself..
Like seriously..
Maybe I portray myself differently when I'm with people & when I'm at home..
I have no idea why I've to be like this..
& now..
I feel that I'm completely a different person..
Okay..
How do you know that u've change?..
Do experiences that affect you play a part in how how you might have changed all these years?..
Or some other possibilities?..
I dont even know if I'm really have changed or otherwise..
I dont even know how much I've changed, how might I've changed & why I've changed..
Change????..
For the better or for the worst????..
Hmmmmm..
Probably you guys dont even know the answers yourselves..
Okay..
Maybe we just let it be this way..
I hope Mum & Grandma stop quarrelling..
Been this way everyday ever since Mum married Dad..
In my 19 years of living..
Everyday is always the same..
Mum hates Grandma ever since she's married..
Have no idea why..
But I hope things would change..
Sooner or later..
I dont want it to be too late before Mum could apologise to Grandma..
Love you both..
Take good care of your healths..
I hope Dad would be okay..
Strong as before..
Well..
He has always been strong..
Hiding all his problems for the good of his family..
He's a very good liar than me..
As in putting on a facade..
But I can see the problems troubling him..
All written on his wrinkled face..
As ignorant as I may seem..
Dad..
I'm actually listening..
Just that I dont know how to respond to you..
That's why I'm ended up shouting back at you & seem annoyed by everything..
Yet..
You've remained calm & tried to talk to me nicely..
I feel totally bad..
'Cause there's always disappointment on your face when you're concerned bout me..
I dont want to disappoint you anymore Dad..
But that's how I am at home..
I've tried changing but failed all the time..
Maybe 'cause I'm depressed with whatever's happening at home..
That I rather switched off everything & mind my own business..
But one thing for sure..
I really really really care..
& Dad..
Stop talking bout death..
You're really making me scared..
I dont want to lose you..
Especially not now..
I want you to go to the hospital..
To have a check-up so that nothing's wrong internally..
But you're just plain stubborn..
& I know..
Either way it's a lose-lose situation for our family..
But I want you to be alright..
Just like last time..
& yeah..
Things wont be the same all the time throughout one's life..
'Cause time has changed, things changed & people changed..
But..
You really know what I mean..
Love you Dad..
You're definitely my role model for life..
I hope you realise that you have responsibilities too..
Pleaseeee..
Realise it before it's too late..
& as for me..
Stop running away already..
From everything..
Stop running away from problems..
Stop running away from responsibilitites..
Stop running away from the reality..
Face them..
Deal with them..
I want to fight everything alone..
Like seriously..
I dont want anyone's help..
Sorry..
I know I'm being totally selfish here..
But I can do it alone..
I dont need anyone to approach me to offer a helping hand..
Unless I need one & ask for help..
You dont need to be kind towards me..
No wonder people see me as ignorant & arrogant..
'Cause of my attitude..
Whatever it is..
What you see is what you get..
Like it or not..
I'm stubborn..
Yes..
Totally stubborn..
I rely only in my beliefs..
Not others..
I do things my way..
So yeah..
Understand me for who & what I am..
Try changing me..
& you'll suffer..
Hopes..
Why must all of us depend on hopes all the time so that we can achieve what we want to achieve?..
Why are hopes so important?..
Why cant hopes be wants or needs?..
What so good bout hoping?..
Whatever benefits will humans gain from all the hoping they've been doing?..
After all..
We still have to work hard to get whatever we want..
If hope really exist..
Wouldn't it be much easier & this world be a much happier place to live in?..
What's the point with the idea of miracle anyway?..
Why are human beings holding on to all these kind of beliefs anyway?..
Like seriously..
I dont believe in all these..
Questions..
Answers..
Millions of questions..
All left unanswered..
What's the point of living then?..
All of us live in the past, present & future..
Pasts..
Experiences that happened for a reason..
Memories that will etched in all our minds forever..
Whether good or bad..
Whether we think we have eradicate all those traumatising incidents..
Stop fooling ourselves..
Remnants of bad memories will always be there in our minds..
We are just denying everything that had gone bad..
Well..
The past is definitely a life-changing experience for all of us..
Present..
Face it..
The reality..
What more can I say..
Plan. plan & plan even more..
For the better of tomorrow & for the future..
Future..
All of us..
Yeah..
Hope..
That we'll get better lives in the future..
1, 2, 5 or 10 years down the road..
Picturing impossible dreams..
Like migrating to other countries rather than stuck in our own homeland..
Wanna have lots of money so that you'll live in luxury..
Thinking that you'll be famous somehow..
Lol..
Storybook dreams..
Is it even possible to get what you hope for?..
Yeah..
Hope..
Irony..
Everyone wants happyily ever after endings..
Wow..
But dont we all realise in this world..
There's no such thing as perfection?..
All of us work soooo terribly horribly hard..
To make ends meet..
But sooner or later we all will just breakdown..
Now..
That's what I call death..