How traumatised one would be when one experiences something bad?
Something that one would be hit without one expecting it to happen?
Something that one would be hit due to the slightest mistake one had made?
What if the traumatising incident leaves one to live in fear?
What if one had to live in fear even in one's own house?
What if the traumatising incident keeps haunting one?
Yes.
That persona is me.
I'm been extremely traumatised by what had recently happened.
Okay.
Maybe I'm overly exaggerating what had happened.
And how I'm feeling aftermath.
Okay.
Anyone would be able to grow out of it a bad experience pretty quickly.
Right?
Hmm.
Well.
I do not think I can.
Yes.
Absolutely can't.
I dread staying at home.
Well.
Like now.
Even writing this entry right now is not making me feeling better.
Recalling back what had happened at this moment is making me wanna break down.
Again.
I guess breaking down even more.
But.
I'm trying my best to hold back my tears.
And yes.
I'm still living in fear.
The incident keeps haunting me.
I really can't face them.
I feel so inferior against them.
I feel so small.
I really want to stay away from home.
Just hanging out.
Like forever.
I really yearn for solitude.
Away from everyone.
Away from everything.
But where will I ever get this?
Well.
Never.
I want to move on.
Really.
Badly.
But how?
I know I can't.
Really.
Can't.
Who can ever really talk me out of all this mess?
Okay.
I have no idea who.
I do not think anyone can.
Because whatever it is.
It is still up to me to do it.
No point by just keep on confiding in people.
Well.
I have not confide in many individuals.
Just one.
And the person know who he is.
I really need help.
Psychologically.
I have alot of unhappiness, insecurities & being traumatised badly.
Traumatised by everything.
Get badly affected by everything.
Be it something good or bad.
I do not want to live in this state anymore.
I'm tired.
I'm exhausted.
I'm drained.
From dealing with everything.
Why?
Why now?
Why?
Yes.
Friends.
I'm starting to open up & treasuring those whom I have now.
Really appreciate every one of them.
Totally love their company.
At least something to divert my thoughts away.
Somewhere which I feel I really belong.
At least I can be myself.
My other self.
The personality which I always portray in front of others.
The fake side of me.
Hah.
Who am I to kid right?
Why am I terribly putting on a facade?
To feel better?
No.
I totally feel much worse though I enjoy the company of my friends.
Being fake towards everything.
Who is the real me then?
Hah.
I do not even know.
Maybe I'm taking everything that's happening really too hard.
Maybe I'm letting all my emotions rule my life once & for all.
Maybe I'm just too stubborn to let everything go.
I'm drowning all my sorrows inside of me.
Bottling up everything.
Reluctant to tell anyone about anything.
Faking my explanations to everyone when all they want to know is the truth.
And in turn.
My body's suffering.
Gastric.
Extreme irregular eating habits.
Fast-food.
One meal everyday.
Prefer eating out.
Not gonna eat everything that are cooked by her.
Never.
Insomnia.
Extreme insomnia.
& him.
Finding faults with me all the time.
Jealousy.
Hate him.
My biological clock is going haywire.
No.
Everything about me is totally horribly terribly in a complete disastrous mess.
& about you.
Crush / Infatuation / Love.
Whatever.
I have no idea what my feelings are towards you anymore.
I really want to forget about you.
Like totally.
If it means not being friends with you anymore.
& not talking to you anymore.
Why not?
The lesser I see you.
& the lesser I talk to you.
All the better.
I know I'm being selfish.
Because you do not do anything wrong towards me.
But it is really useless liking you anymore.
Really.
I'm letting you go.
I know I'm lying.
And I know I will not ever succeed.
But I'll try.