Here's my 1st draft for the UNIFEM Writing Contest. & my teacher's comments.
Ideas are welcomed & really much appreciated.
Another Land, Another Life
by Nor Suryati Bte Adnan
Ngee Ann Polytechnic
Singapore is my homeland.
A true Singaporean is who I am.
I could never ask for more,
As this country has opened so many doors of opportunities
For me to strive for.
A wonderful city --
Full of life, vibrancy and colours.
But, things will never be the way they are at present,
Without the hard work, determination and perseverance
That our forefathers have put in for a brighter future for our generations.
Our forefathers set foot in Singapore years ago,
Hoping for a better life for themselves as well as for their families.
Away from what they experienced in own homeland;
War, poverty and hardship –
What can they ever ask for from this small island of hope?
Individuals from all walks of life.
Malay, Chinese, Indian and Eurasian --
Different races, religions and languages spoken;
Problems soon arise,
In which hope for a better life seems too good to be true.
Adaptation was never easy.
Especially when one was only a stranger to the whole new surroundings.
Mutual understanding between the locals and our forefathers was hard to forge.
There were so many barriers to break,
Which was difficult to come by.
Communication is indeed a great struggle for everyone,
When language is concerned.
Segregation caused relationships with one another to be strained.
More problems soon arose,
Which was a great deal for our forefathers to handle.
Life in Singapore was not easy,
Since the arrival of immigrants and foreign expatriates.
Crimes became more rampant,
Living conditions worsened due to overcrowding
And poverty and illnesses continued to exist.
The wall of segregation soon broke down.
With Singapore undergoing changes, stability and modernisation,
Over the years, the outsiders were finally accepted as our own people.
The contributions our forefathers had sacrificed too were acknowledged.
Singapore now stands tall with its nation merged as one.
With the contributions made by the immigrants, as well as locals,
In the forty-four years of Singapore’s independence,
This tiny dot has become competitive for other countries to be aware of.
With businesses flourished and prosperity in all of the various industries,
Singapore has indeed brought a better life to all.
The acceptance of foreigners and expatriates comes with a great price.
With much assurance and trust to be gained by the locals,
Both sides slowly learn the benefits of understanding and forging friendships.
The hard work of our forefathers has finally paid off
As their contributions are highly appreciated by the current generation.
Language is never a problem now in Singapore
As English is the language understood by all.
Despite the differences in race, religion and cultural backgrounds,
United we stand, divided we fall;
Singaporeans come together as one nation under any circumstances --
Be it going through the good or the bad times,
It has never been an issue or burden for anyone to bear.
Singapore, my homeland, it seems, even to me,
Is still a choice that I have to face.
The contributions made by our ancestors inspire me in every way,
And the choice foreigners make to regard Singapore as their home is endless.
Yet --
To choose if home is going to be
Another land or another life --
Is a whole different story for each of us to tell.
Suryati,
I like the concept of this piece of poetry but I think it’s too broad.
Basically, I think that you’re trying to cover too much ground in one short
piece. What I think this piece would benefit from is particularity.
Particularity means picking one area and concentrating on it (eg, it’s not a
story about a war, it’s a story about a soldier in a war – and is equally
compelling.) I would like you to try and re-draft this poem
but take the point-of-view of a migrant to Singapore in
the early years. Get into their head of what it was like, what they
were doing, why they were migrating, what they saw and
how they felt. And try to have your piece take place in one moment.
For example, you could write a piece from the point-of-view of a
Chinese coolie who has just stepped off the boat from China and is
queuing up at the immigration desk by the docks. As the queue snakes
nearer and nearer to the immigration officer, to him, it’s moving closer
and closer to a better life for him and his family back home. And it’s
interesting to see what a person at that point in time, is thinking
and feeling. And to this, you can add your own views of what
the work from his hands will become – eventually, this is one of
the people who will build Singapore to what it is today. And the
whole piece takes place from the time he gets off the boat, all
the way through the queue, to the time the immigration officer
breaks his thoughts by asking him for his name. I feel that if
you do this, the theme of the writing will still be the same
as your original piece – but I think this will give the piece more
particularity and with that, its own individual voice. It’s a really
good first attempt and I’m sorry my comments had to come so
late but no worries, deadline’s 23rd Sept so we still have time to
work and re-work - I’m really looking forward to reading the next
incarnation of the piece. Good work – it’s a good first attempt ☺
Leslie
Ideas are welcomed & really much appreciated.
Another Land, Another Life
by Nor Suryati Bte Adnan
Ngee Ann Polytechnic
Singapore is my homeland.
A true Singaporean is who I am.
I could never ask for more,
As this country has opened so many doors of opportunities
For me to strive for.
A wonderful city --
Full of life, vibrancy and colours.
But, things will never be the way they are at present,
Without the hard work, determination and perseverance
That our forefathers have put in for a brighter future for our generations.
Our forefathers set foot in Singapore years ago,
Hoping for a better life for themselves as well as for their families.
Away from what they experienced in own homeland;
War, poverty and hardship –
What can they ever ask for from this small island of hope?
Individuals from all walks of life.
Malay, Chinese, Indian and Eurasian --
Different races, religions and languages spoken;
Problems soon arise,
In which hope for a better life seems too good to be true.
Adaptation was never easy.
Especially when one was only a stranger to the whole new surroundings.
Mutual understanding between the locals and our forefathers was hard to forge.
There were so many barriers to break,
Which was difficult to come by.
Communication is indeed a great struggle for everyone,
When language is concerned.
Segregation caused relationships with one another to be strained.
More problems soon arose,
Which was a great deal for our forefathers to handle.
Life in Singapore was not easy,
Since the arrival of immigrants and foreign expatriates.
Crimes became more rampant,
Living conditions worsened due to overcrowding
And poverty and illnesses continued to exist.
The wall of segregation soon broke down.
With Singapore undergoing changes, stability and modernisation,
Over the years, the outsiders were finally accepted as our own people.
The contributions our forefathers had sacrificed too were acknowledged.
Singapore now stands tall with its nation merged as one.
With the contributions made by the immigrants, as well as locals,
In the forty-four years of Singapore’s independence,
This tiny dot has become competitive for other countries to be aware of.
With businesses flourished and prosperity in all of the various industries,
Singapore has indeed brought a better life to all.
The acceptance of foreigners and expatriates comes with a great price.
With much assurance and trust to be gained by the locals,
Both sides slowly learn the benefits of understanding and forging friendships.
The hard work of our forefathers has finally paid off
As their contributions are highly appreciated by the current generation.
Language is never a problem now in Singapore
As English is the language understood by all.
Despite the differences in race, religion and cultural backgrounds,
United we stand, divided we fall;
Singaporeans come together as one nation under any circumstances --
Be it going through the good or the bad times,
It has never been an issue or burden for anyone to bear.
Singapore, my homeland, it seems, even to me,
Is still a choice that I have to face.
The contributions made by our ancestors inspire me in every way,
And the choice foreigners make to regard Singapore as their home is endless.
Yet --
To choose if home is going to be
Another land or another life --
Is a whole different story for each of us to tell.
Suryati,
I like the concept of this piece of poetry but I think it’s too broad.
Basically, I think that you’re trying to cover too much ground in one short
piece. What I think this piece would benefit from is particularity.
Particularity means picking one area and concentrating on it (eg, it’s not a
story about a war, it’s a story about a soldier in a war – and is equally
compelling.) I would like you to try and re-draft this poem
but take the point-of-view of a migrant to Singapore in
the early years. Get into their head of what it was like, what they
were doing, why they were migrating, what they saw and
how they felt. And try to have your piece take place in one moment.
For example, you could write a piece from the point-of-view of a
Chinese coolie who has just stepped off the boat from China and is
queuing up at the immigration desk by the docks. As the queue snakes
nearer and nearer to the immigration officer, to him, it’s moving closer
and closer to a better life for him and his family back home. And it’s
interesting to see what a person at that point in time, is thinking
and feeling. And to this, you can add your own views of what
the work from his hands will become – eventually, this is one of
the people who will build Singapore to what it is today. And the
whole piece takes place from the time he gets off the boat, all
the way through the queue, to the time the immigration officer
breaks his thoughts by asking him for his name. I feel that if
you do this, the theme of the writing will still be the same
as your original piece – but I think this will give the piece more
particularity and with that, its own individual voice. It’s a really
good first attempt and I’m sorry my comments had to come so
late but no worries, deadline’s 23rd Sept so we still have time to
work and re-work - I’m really looking forward to reading the next
incarnation of the piece. Good work – it’s a good first attempt ☺
Leslie