Perhaps I'm pushing myself too much already. I think my limits have been pushed to the maximum. My patience, tolerance, emotions, capabilities, intelligence (if I ever had any), strengths & optimism are getting out of control. Here I'm blogging about this post, my head's spinning. Pretty bad, to be honest. But, I think now I'm having migraine.
The design industry is absolutely a competitive world. & all individuals involve in this world are vowing, dying & yearning to strive to the top. Manipulations, lies, betrayals & licking the people of the higher hierarchy are what all of us do to be the best. Nevertheless, the design industry requires individuals who turn out to be the best out of the best.
Maybe, this is how I feel currently that leads me to be in this situation. I feel intimidated to be in this course, needless to say, to be in this class of unique, creative, innovative, determined & hardworking group of individuals. All of them are so talented that they can do, adapt & understand whatever that are being taught. Also, they can easily apply every concept & theory. Unlike me. Okay, this is my own personal opinions. Anyone that feel the other way round, I'm sorry, but I'm not asking for sympathy. Not at all. Not even a bit.
What I want now are answers. Why should I think & feel this way? What is it is lacking in me that makes me feel like I'm the most vulnerable one in the class. I always wanted to be different. The outstanding one. The one who stands out apart from the rest of the crowd. But, why am I freaking out now? Why am I running away? Away from all my problems & what I'm supposed to face at the moment. The reality, to be exact. Why? Why? Why?
I know that I have the ability to strive successfully. To obtain better grades & do the best in everything. I know that by speaking out my opinions, thoughts, ideas & suggestions, others will certainly listen. I know my ideas & opinions all make sense. Okay, now I'm certainly feeling like a total bitch, pain in the ass & a narcissist. What's the hell of self - praising myself, right?
Even so, I always think what I have to offer is never good enough. Ever. I always feel nervous to speak what's on my mind. What if others think that I'm trying to be a smart aleck. The know - it - all. The goody - too - shoes. Whatever you call it. I do not want to be labeled as any of these. I do not want to be called with various nicknames. People making fun of you, looking down on you, criticising you, throwing sarcasms straight into your face & doubting your own abilities. Sucks to be in that position. But then again, why do I always feel that I'm never good enough in everything I do?
Absolutely demoralising. It seems that all the high hopes & expections I had pinned on myself are seen as useless & meaningless once again. I'm totally back to square one. Back to be the weakest link. All that I had viewed as a brighter future ahead of me, a new opportuniy, a second & final chance for me to prove to myself, are beginning to come crashing down on me slowly.
I'm scared. I'm always been living in the dark. In the shadows of others. I have been living in fear all my life. All my nineteen years of living. & still counting. I'm always afraid of what others think of me & the opinions of others always make me weak. I'm full of imperfections. Anything, like even the slightest mistake I make, can break me down. When will I ever succumb to my senses? That what others think & making judgments about me do not matter at all. When will I ever have that enough self - confidence & courage to show what I am capable of doing in order to succeed in this design industry? When will I ever stop looking down on myself? That I rule my own life, future, destiny. No one else. & no point satisfying others when mine is not even fulfilled.
I have to break free. I have to stop thinking too much, but totally stop thinking. I have to be optimistic, encourage & motivate myself. I know I can do well. I know that I'm creative. I know that I'm full of ideas. I just have to believe in myself. No one else can do it for me, if it is not me whom not making a difference in myself. If it is not me whom taking the very first step into changing myself to be a better person. Change. So near yet so far from achieveing that.
Life is a journey. It was & never is complicated. It is us, human beings, who make our own life as complicated as it may be. Why? I have to look for the answers to all these questions & doubts that I have. I know the problem is myself & the blame should not be placed in others or anything else. Let bygones be bygones. So, why am I not letting go of my past? All the bad memories. I should eradicate all the times I shared with the people whom I once regard as friends. But, why it is so hard to do so? Are they the ones stopping me from moving forward?
The very first step to move on starts with this blog. Making it public should the decision that I would definitely take. But, once again, what others think, their opinions & for them to talk about every single thing that I wrote in this blog as gossips, scare me the most.
Should I or should I not?
My problems to why I'm feeling emo out of a sudden are not just simply these reasons. There are even more.